Writer in Quarantine

*****Please do not read this and worry about me. I have never been more clear in my life that things are going well and somehow it is related to being stuck in the house. This imprisonment is my freedom. I am not obligated to work outside of the house, or socialize or go to the market. Teaching Nia via Zoom is a blast. Who knew?****

I am writing and expressing and telling the truth to people for the first time. Therapists and doctors, they don’t get it either. This is my favorite: health professionals say, “It’s normal, many antidepressants make patients suicidal.” No, it is not normal. It is hell. And this: Oh are you sad today? Do you think you might be able to go to a movie with a friend? Take a walk, you will feel better.” Do you think I didn’t try that? Volunteer with some organization. I do. Get some exercise. That’s what I do. For 18 years.

Also, many kind-hearted and well-intentioned people say this: Call me if you think you are going to kill yourself. No I won’t. Then you would try to talk me out of it. Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, Kurt Cobain, and Robin Williams meant business. They didn’t call anyone. I don’t understand, they say, they looked so happy. I don’t understand, how could they be so selfish and leave their loved ones with ruined lives? It is not about you.

Flash Memoir 4/2/20

I have lost, capitulated, gone down head first, heard my neck snap, felt the cold water as my body enters. I have seen the movie of my death. Been taken to the hospital pronounced dead on arrival.

Now I am healthy and whole. I beat the system one way or another, one more time, despite forces working against me. I am alive and that is what it means to battle despair and to win. No more, no less.

I created this life to which I have finally arrived. I am lucky to have co-creators along the way who accompany me as I create art, music and movement. Sometimes magic. Experience love. Receive grace from friends and angels. Not sure which are which and it doesn’t matter.

5 Responses

  1. There are, as you indicate, many ways to connect with others. This is one way. We are all in this together, and I would never (actually) worry about you. Sending love.

  2. Your can’t imagine how your true self story is helping me trying to understand my own child.
    Sending Love to you Danielle.

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